DramaMagnet's Xanga

Monday, January 28, 2008

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 22:50:18 GMT

It's all catching up to me... I AM BEAT!

This whole being a working mom thing is NOT all it's cracked up to be. If I had my way, I'd be home with Caroline all the time. But unfortunately, that's a distant dream that is put off at least until we move to NC and probably beyond that, at least for a little while.

My job is so draining! I can see why the burn-out rate is three years. It is hard work. And not only are these kids ED, but they're in 7th grade! The absolute MOST dramatic age in the history of the world! I can think back to being 12/13. My Lord, were the hormones raging! Thank God we have no girls in our class. I honestly think that would just send them all over the edge. But back to my group... NINE 7th grade boys. There is always a fight brewing. Some looked at someone else the wrong way and that person said something about their mom and then they called another person gay... and so on and so on and so on... It's exhausting! Now, don't get me wrong, they are quite entertaining at times. They have all won me over and I adore each and every one of them. BUT on days like today... when three of them had to be restrained and I had to restrain two of those three. GEEZ! I am feeling the burn-out.

So, all I want after a school day like that is to pick up my daughter, come home, enjoy some one-on-one time with her, put her to bed and watch TV until the hubby gets home. But does that happen? NO. I get to the babysitters to find Caroline in a horrible mood! She was bit on the nose by her best friend, Fin and she has a huge bruise covering one side! boo! Then she cried the entire way home. Not just cried... SCREAMED! Oh my gosh! My head was pounding! We finally get home, I put her in her chair to eat dinner. This went smoothly until she grabbed the apple sauce cup out of my hand and flung it all over herself, her chair and the floor. SIGH. Can't a woman get a break!?!?

Once I hosed her down, we came into the living room for a little play time... which lasted all of 5 minutes before she started to scream again because I wouldn't let her crawl around on the couch. (Her new favorite activity!)

Finally, I'd had all I could take. I got a bottle, took her upstairs, put her in her pj's, fed her, read a story and put her to bed. She went to bed about 20 minutes early, but she needed it and so did I.

I love being a mom and I love my job... but man oh man I need a vacation from life. I definitely have a new-found respect for my mom (and all of those other mom's out there) who worked and raised their children. I definitely did not give her enough credit (as most children don't) at the time and I am sure that I would have never realized just how hard it must have been for her until I was in her shoes. I just didn't know I was this strong. I can only hope and pray that I can stay strong throughout this time, until *crosses fingers* I can be a stay-at-home mom! (Which I am definitely not saying is easy!)

I always say I want to have another kid, but I just don't know how I could work and have two children to take care of in the evening. I'm not sure I'm that tough. But I probably would have said the same thing about myself a couple of years ago thinking about where I am now. Life is funny like that... we always learn to adapt, don't we? I am proud of myself for the job I am doing. I try my best and I guess that's all I can do.

Maybe I'll start writing again more... this felt good.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 21:19:18 GMT

I read a lot of blogs. It kind of started with one and then expanded over time. In a way, people who read blogs but don't comment (which is exactly what I do most of the time) could be classified as a mild form of a stalker. HA! I do not consider myself a stalker, but I feel odd commenting on people's blogs that I don't even know. Fear of rejection, maybe. who knows. Anyway... blogs were not my original point... rather, a particular blog I read today about the NYC Marathon. She wrote about her husband participating and her attempt to navigate the city. In the end she decided that no matter how much she had considered the possibility of living in New York, the weekend confirmed to her that it was not a place she could call home.

This triggered so many thoughts for me. I realized, as I was reading this and thinking about my time as a resident New Yorker, that I have now been away from the city for almost 3 years! THREE YEARS! wow One year there and almost three years here. If you would have asked me in January 2004, as I packed the car and moved all my junk to my new life in the Bronx, where I would be now, I never IN A MILLION YEARS would have thought it would be here. I always dreamed that New York City would be it for me. That I would discover this incredible life there. That a city I always found so fascinating would become normal, every day life for me. And, I guess, in a way it was for a while. If you could call my time there "normal."

I guess the point of this post is to think about where I've been and where I am now. I look back on who I was at Liberty and who I was at graduation and who I was in New York and even who I was when I first moved to this area. And I must pat myself on the back for a minute and say that who I am now is the person I am most proud of. I have truly become a mature woman and I think, after years of searching, I have found meaning and purpose in my life. This may have been God's plan all along. To give me a wake-up call. To show me I needed to grow up and stop living so selfishly. There are certain people from my past who, I believe, would not even recognize the person I have become. And there are others... those people who have been there through every bit of my past and continue to be there in my present and will most definitely be there well into my future. Those people... my mother, my father, my cousin, my fabulous girlfriends, who I miss more than I can even express... those people "get it". They see me... though possibly in different ways, as some may know more or less than others... and I hope that they are proud. I hope that I have shown growth in all aspects of my life.

I am thankful for the things I have known in the past... I know that those times where my decisions were below everyone's expections of my life (especially my own) will/have only made me a stronger and more knowledgable person. I can only pray that it will make me a better wife, mother, daughter, friend and counselor (when the time comes).

Thank you God for knowing what we can handle and using our mistakes to teach us about the person you ultimately want us to be.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 16:13:32 GMT

Today brought forth one of those working mom delemas that I dreaded from day one of going back to work.

Yesterday around noon one of the school secretary's came to a tutoring room where I was sitting with a student, and told me my daughter's babysitter was on the phone. My heart sank into my stomach.

Earlier that morning, I took Caroline to the babysitter even though she seemed a little odd. She had only a low fever, 99.9, but I figured it was nothing to worry about.

I answered the phone and Becky tells me that Caroline has a fever of 102.9. I immediately move into action. I called Andrew and got him to look up the doctor's number and then called immediately and made an appointment. They told me they could take her at 1:00. I found someone to cover for me and told all the appropriate people and then left the school. When I got to the babysitter's house, Caroline was just sitting in a kind of daze. I could tell she was not feeling well at all. My poor angel.

When we got to the doctor, I found out that she had another ear infection in her left ear. She had had one in the same ear early last month, but last time there was no fever to accompany it, only a cough. We got a prescription and went home for her nap. After she slept, she seemed to be feeling better.

But then night time came... I heard her awake and fussing more than once, but each time she would go back to sleep. This morning, I took her temperature and it was still over 101.

I had to really think about what to do. Do I take my sick baby to the babysitter? She's always a good girl, no matter how sick she is. She hardly ever cries, and I knew she wouldn't be any trouble for Becky. But then I thought about the years I worked in daycare. I remember those parents who seemed to value their work more than their child. I just couldn't bear to be one of those parents. I didn't want anyone else to take care of her when she's sick. I know there's not a lot I can do for her right now... we're just waiting it out... but I knew I would feel so guilty if I went to work.

The strange thing is, I've already grown so attached to my students. Today, as Caroline is napping, I can't help but think about them. Hoping they've all had a good day. Hoping there was no crisis that I was not there to take care of. I miss them. But I will always keep my family number one.

I love my baby girl!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 22:57:28 GMT

God is SO good!

This week... month... summer... has all tested my strength as a wife and mother and truth be told, has definitely tested my faith. But I just have to say it again... God is SO good! His blessings and gifts are incredible!

I have been so blessed to stay home with Caroline for the first 7 and a half months of her life. It has been a huge gift and I wouldn't have had it any other way. But tomorrow will begin a new journey for us all. Caroline will be going to a babysitter for the first time and Mommy will be going back to work. Within one week, I left my nanny job and found a job that, though it is not my dream job, will be rewarding, challenging, and frankly, fantastic money! I will be working at a school called Oak Valley Center. It is a private theraputic day school for ED kids, a lot like Rivermont, but hopefully much better.

I interviewed for this position on Friday and heard from the Principal TODAY. I honestly don't know exactly what I will be doing, but I will find out more this week. The principal said I didn't have to start tomorrow, because he understood my family needs, but God already knew what was going to happen.

Friday after my interview, I started looking on craigslist for babysitters and came across the perfect ad for a woman who had a home daycare for over 10 years. She had a Christian philosophy of childcare and the pictures of her home were beautiful! I called her immediately and she only had ONE spot left! WOW So, we made an appointment to meet on Sunday at 5pm. So, seriously, the school called today at 3:30 pm and then we met Becky (the babysitter) at 5. And let me tell you, I had SUCH a great feeling about her! She is happily married. Her husband was super sweet! He is a soccer coach and works for the government. They have two young teenage kids, a boy and a girl. Their house was beautiful. There were all kinds of trophies sitting around their living room, including tons of Awanas trophies! aww She teaches Sunday school at her church and used to be the nursery coordinator. She had lots to say and was just kind of motherly/grandmotherly and Caroline really seemed to love her.

I mean... seriously... God is smiling down on us. Even with Andrew's new job (and let me tell you, it was a big stressful mess trying to find that one) we were worried that one of us was going to have to get a part time job on top of our full time jobs. Now, with this new job of mine and with paying childcare, we are making MORE money than we were with Andrew's old job and my job keeping Peyton. Amazing!

Whew! This has been quite a day... and I'm exhausted and starving! I am going to go eat dinner with my hubby now and enjoy my night.

Thanks to everyone for the prayers! They were so greatly appreciated and absolutely felt through it all!

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 12:14:36 GMT

Stress... that's what's kept me from posting the last couple of months. Jobs, money, house, etc... have all been weighing hard on both Andrew and I since about the beginning of June. We both were in a huge transition period, and let me tell you, getting through it was definitely not easy. But we're making it... one day at a time... and one day closer to August 19, marking our one year anniversary as husband and wife.

What an incredible year it has been! (And fast!) We have had monumental changes in our lives... changes that have only brought us closer together and strengthened the bond of our relationship.

I remember hearing from everyone that the first year of marriage was the hardest. I would say yes and no. We have had our fair share of challenges (most of which are stated above). I will never say it was easy, but when you're going through it with your best friend, it sure does make the hard stuff more bearable. Through this past year, Andrew has been my rock. He has been the strong foundation on which our marriage rests. He has made mistakes, but so have I. But no matter what mistakes have been made, our love is true and pure and forever strong. He challenges me to be a better wife and mother every single day, and I think that feeling is mutual, as I challenge him as well to be the best husband and father he can be.

I could not imagine my life being spent with anyone else. He is my perfect match. The one I always prayed for years ago when it seemed like everyone but me had someone. He knows how to make me laugh. He knows how to make me cry. He knows how to comfort me. He knows how to lie quietly next to me when I'm upset, rather than trying to make things better. He waits for me, because he knows that I will make the right decision for us. He never tells me what to do, but instead he asks me how I feel. He sings silly songs and uses hilarious voices. He loves metro, and though a lot of time has gone by, I never tire of his metro voice. He loves Family Guy and doesn't care if I think it's stupid most of the time. He still thinks I'm beautiful, even though I still have over 20 more pounds of baby weight to lose. He loves me because I'm me. Plain and simple. Our love is true and pure and incredible! It is more than I ever knew I wanted, but everything God knew I needed. I fall more and more in love with him every single day. He is the greatest husband and father that I have ever known!

Thank you, my love, for being who you are. For being patient with me and wanting to know me more every single day! I love you with all my heart!

....

One more thing, on a job related level... Andrew just started a new job this week and I am looking to start a new one soon as well. The nanny thing, unfortunately, just hasn't been working out. I have four interviews coming up within the next week. Two are tomorrow. My fingers are crossed that something will come. I rest assured that God knows what he's doing.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 21:43:11 GMT

wow! I'm still livin' ... it's just been a long long while since I've felt like, and had time to write...

Things lately have been tough, but not bad, just tough.

I am constantly amazed by the strong relationship Andrew and I have. Regardless of the circumstances, my heart knows nothing but love and understanding towards him. It is an amazing gift that God has given me, and I know no real way to describe how much love I have for him. It is definitely the tough times that makes us remember the promise we made to each other on our wedding day. "For better or for worse" has an entirely different meaning when you are dealing with the latter part of that phrase, especially when you're dealing with it for the first time. But no matter how I feel, I have to always remember how he feels. And I do. I can see him and touch him and look into his eyes and know... know that no matter what he loves me and I love him and that will never ever change... "for as long as we both shall live." Thank God for those promises and thank God that we are able to understand that it was so much more than words... we meant those words and know that they mean everything.

Caroline is growing and growing and growing! She hit her 5 month mark on Sunday and I can hardly believe we're almost half way through her first year. Last year at this time, I was just letting people know that I was pregnant, and now here we are with our lives completely changed. She is the light of my life!

My nanny job is going well. Peyton and Caroline are SO cute together. I love seeing them looking at each other and holding hands. Caroline is always pulling his passi out and trying to put her hands in his mouth. It cracks me up. Peyton just looks at her like "you're crazy, woman!" It's so much fun seeing them grow together and it's definitely a wonderful thing to be with Caroline so much.

I must admit, though, that I am itching for something more... It could just be the warm weather. It always makes me want to change something in my life. But I just have such a strong desire and calling to work with teens. It's just so much harder now to make the move and transition to something else. It's difficult realizing over and over again that it's not just about me anymore. I can no longer be selfish with my decisions and that's something that I have had to rediscover and reevaluate more than once since I've been married with a child. I still have the desire to go back to school, but that's so much easier said than done. One day, I hope that the doors will open with that possibility in front of me, but for now I know that I have to be content. Which, for all who know me, is such a difficult thing for me to accept. I have never been one who has been happy with contentment. It's part of my personality that coined the nickname "drama queen" in high school...and in fact, followed me for years after.

Anyway, it's time for me to jump back into reality and figure out some dinner for me and the hubby. Thanks to all for the prayers! Hopefully, we'll make it down to the 'burg sooner than later.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 21:45:40 GMT

I haven't updated this thing in ages... mainly because I've been busy being a mom, thank you very much.

But today I thought I'd say a few things...

1. Being a mom is awesome and incredible and I can't imagine my life any other way. It's funny how a person can go 20something years without being a parent, and then pretty much over night, you can't imagine not being one. Your life is no longer about you. It's about this precious gift who was created out of love and is now the main focus of this earthly life. This love... it's an indescribable feeling, really. But I will say this, I would have it no other way. I am completely head over heals for this beautiful little daughter of mine!

2. It's my birthday... 26 years old... and I honestly could care less. BUT only four more years to 30. Amazing! I'm getting OLD!

3. Today I got a call for a job interview. The thing is, this lady totally caught me off guard with a phone interview. Luckily, I didn't sound like too much of a dope, because at the end of the call she asked me to come in for an interview. whew! Anyway, it's with CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) as a volunteer supervisor. It could be okay... we'll see how it goes. I'm not positive about the hours, but the pay is good and it's something I'm interested in. So... you never know. It's just going to be VERY hard going back to work and leaving my baby with someone else. sigh.
But we need money. such is life.

I guess that's about all for today.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 14:05:25 GMT

This is what Caroline does most of the time. She's such a sleepy girl.

Here is my girl taking her first sink bath! SO cute!

Those pictures will have to do for now. Enjoy!

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 14:02:22 GMT

I feel more than blessed with my place in life right now.

I used to question (and still sometimes do) how God could bless me as much as He does. I used to say "I've done so many bad things... how does He still love me?" Only a couple of years ago... even just over a year ago... I was in such a bad place. I would try to get out of my hole and some how I'd fall right back into my old ways. I struggled with relationships and all that went along with them... I struggled with drinking and trying to impress others with my "sins". I tried to put on a smile, but I was so low. Then... one day... almost overnight... everything changed. God brought the most incredible person I'd ever met into my life. He brought me a man who could lift me up, who could listen to my crazy thoughts and know about my entire past, yet still love me for exactly who I am. I always wanted to believe love like that existed on earth, but I was never really convinced.

These past few weeks, Andrew has shown me more love than I could have possibly deserved. I have been on an emotional roller coaster, yet he's been there holding me up and supporting me no matter how ugly I have been. But what is so incredible about this is that not only do I have his love, but now I am blessed even more with the love of my baby girl. My heart is overflowing with love for this little person. Seeing her grow every single day... taking care of her... it's all so amazing!

I still wonder every now and then, when I look into the faces of my husband and daughter, how I could be so blessed. And then, instead of questioning, I just thank my God for loving me and showing me so much grace!

Monday, January 15, 2007

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 15:09:33 GMT

And we're home...

The past few days have been hard, to say the least. We're still adjusting and every day is getting a little easier. Caroline is actually sleeping now in her little bassinet that we have downstairs and I'm getting a few free minutes to update. For those of you who have called, I promise I'll talk to you eventually. It's just hard to find a free minute.

So...the hospital was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. We got there around 2pm on Wednesday, which was 2 and a half hours before my c-section was scheduled. They checked me right in and put me on an IV in the c-section waiting area. I figured we'd be waiting no time at all before we went into the OR. I could not have been more wrong. Come to find out, when we got there my doctor had not even seen his 12:00 or 2:00 appointment. AGH! We ended up waiting until around 6 to go into the OR. I was so angry! AND STARVING! I had not had anything to eat since around 3am, when I set my alarm to eat a peanut butter sandwich and some cookies to tide me over for the day of fasting.

So, the time finally came to go into the OR and I had a million emotions running through my mind. They put me on the operating table and had me sit up arching my back over my belly. A doctor stood in front of me to help put pressure on my shoulders and to keep me still. The anesthesiologist then put in the epidural and it was the weirdest thing I've ever experienced. Almost immediately the lower part of my body went numb. They laid me down on the table and put supports under my arms and put up a sheet just under my boobs, so I couldn't see what was going on. They then put in the catheter and brought Andrew in to sit next to me. I did start to get a little nauseous and I was praying that I wouldn't throw up. I told them I thought I was going to, and they pumped me with more fluids and held a bucket next to my head just in case. Thank God nothing happened!

The procedure itself seemed to take no time at all. It was just strange to feel the pressure on my belly and hear the doctors talking, all the while being awake and knowing what was going on. After what seemed like only a few minutes, they pulled out our beautiful baby girl. The cord was wrapped around her neck, but it was no big deal. She came out screaming, but looking oh so beautiful! I loved her immediately! AMAZING!

The entire operation took about 45 minutes from start to finish. They then took me to recovery where I finally got to hold Caroline. I took some pain meds, though I was still a little numb. I was finally allowed to leave recovery once I could move my legs. Around 9:15 we got into our room and my parents and inlaws were allowed to come in.

The nurses were amazing but I definitely wouldn't want their job. They had to do some gross things to me, but I will spare you all the details. ick! I had to stay in bed until the morning, and I will say that getting up for the first time was NOT fun! I was in some serious pain, but it gradually got better. My mom assisted me in taking a shower in the afternoon on Thursday, and I was finally allowed to eat solid foods again that night for dinner. Praise the Lord! I felt like a new woman!

Caroline and I worked hard on nursing while in the hospital, and the nurses were a great help in showing me the right way to hold her. It's still a learning process, but she's doing pretty well and so am I. My boobs are definitely getting bigger! haha

I was discharged on Friday and I left in the afternoon.

Once we got home, I was a little emotional. Still in pain... feeling a bit constipated... just overwhelmed with the fact that once my parents left it would just be me and Andrew left with her. It was a lot more overwhelming than I thought it would be.

Saturday morning we took her to her first doctor's appointment, which went well. She has to go again in two weeks, and I have to go again in three.

Overall, I'm feeling pretty well. My incision is getting better every day. I just started taking Extra Strength Tylenol when I got home, because my doctor did not feel that I needed to take the stronger pain meds they were giving me in the hospital. He was right. I would have gotten dependent, probably and it would have taken longer to heal.
I've been up and walking around as much as possible, though I do have to limit my activity. If we can get out when it's dry today, we're going to try to put Caroline in her stroller and walk around the neighborhood a bit.

We're following the advice of sleeping when she sleeps and that's going pretty well. She has yet to sleep in her crib, though right now is the first time she's slept in her basinet and I'm shocked that she's been asleep for almost an hour! incredible!

Today we want to get her to be a bit more active, so hopefully she will sleep better tonight. We'll see how it goes.

We're just taking things one step at a time and learning as we go. That's about all we can do.

Our daughter is the most incredible, precious gift we could ever receive! I love her so much more than I thought possible! Andrew has been so supportive. He's definitely seen me through some hard times over the past few days. I fall in love with him more and more every single day. He is one incredible husband and father! Now... if only he could breastfeed!

If you made it to the end of this, I hope you weren't bored to death... this was a record for me just as much as it was to inform everyone else.

Now, I must go shower while Caroline is still sleeping. yay for being clean!

Love everyone! I'll post more pictures soon. Promise!